So last weekend I'm watching that new HBO show, John from Cincinnati, but only half paying attention, as I was still reeling from the Sopranos blackout ending.
Hey, Rebecca DeMornay...wow, still pretty hot. So the angry surfer guy's her dad. Angry guy's got a son, too...a heroin addict son. That mean's he's Rebecca's brother. Now she's talking to a kid. Oh, heroin addict son is the kid's dad...messed up family. Wait...heroin addict just called Rebecca mom. So, she's married to angry surfer guy. That means Rebecca DeMornay is playing a...a grandmother?!? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK...LANA FROM RISKY BUSINESS IS A GRANDMOTHER...I"M OFFICIALLY ANCIENT!!!
HBO's got alot of nerve. How the hell am I supposed to stay in denial about my age when Lana's a grandmother. Have to admit, though. She still looks great. And come to think of it, I've been noticing alot of older women recently. It started when I began slowing the DVR down to watch the BowFlex chick...thought that was just a phase. But maybe not. Maybe all the progress made in the fields of sports fitness and cosmetic surgery have combined to make chicks hotter longer. If that's true, I think I'm for it.
But just to make sure, I better make a list of other hot older women...not necessarily grandmothers, but all as old as Ms. DeMornay, which means they could PLAY grandmothers. And while I'm at it, I better make a list of therapists in my neighborhood, because I may need a good shrink after I'm done. Then again, what do I care? None of you people know me. For all you know, my real name's Ashton. On to number ten.
10) Jane Seymour: Dr. Quinn, Medicine Hottie
Let's start with a pretty remarkable lady...Jane Seymour. Can you believe this woman will be sixty in a few years. I don't know about you, but when Owen Wilson had his eyes on the daughter in Wedding Crashers, all I could think was...a'hole, mom's throwing herself at you, and she's ten times hotter. Come to think of it, that movie may be the cause of this whole fixation. I may sue.
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9) Catherine Keener: 40 Year Old Virgin Granny
Catherine Keener gets points for actually playing a grandmother...one who had to teach Steve Carrell how to do it. I like that, she's a teacher. I can work with that. Ms. Keener's had my attention since Being John Malkovich when I was paying more attention to her than Cameron Diaz....and she still has it.
8) Ellen Barkin: Ocean's Thirteenth
This one caught me by surprise. I had pretty much given up on Ellen Barkin. I used to think she was smoking hot. Multiple bad plastic surgeries later, and she's on the collagen train to MelanieGriffithsburg. Then I start seeing all the commercials for Ocean's 13, and I'm thinking...someone's rebounded nicely. Didn't think that was possible. Gives me hope for Meg Ryan. But back to Ms. Barkin...uhhh, yum.
7) Jaclyn Smith: Charlie's Everlasting Angel
Someone's made a deal with satan...no? How the hell else do you explain it? She's one of Charlie's friggin' angels, and she looks like she could have her own show on the WB this fall. Either she's kept herself in amazing shape, or the retouching expenses on that Bravo hair show make up 90% of the budget. Farrah doesn't look this good, that's for sure. But Farrah's also kinda crazy, isn't she? That may have a little something to do with it.
6) Helen Mirren: Her Royal Hotness
I know, I know, I know. Trust me...I know. I initially had no intention of adding her to the list. But as I was doing a search for Hollywood cougars (What, you think these are all just floatin' around in my permanent mental rolodex?) Who should come up in second position but Ms. Mirren. My first thought was...what's M from James Bond doing here. But then, when I clicked...whoa. And if you read the article, you'll see I'm not alone. Don't get me wrong...this is the entry on the list that'll keep me on the couch for weeks. But I gotta say, granny's got skills...no?
5) Linda Carter: Super Hero Goddess
Is it fair to the other contestants to put a super hero on the list? Wonder Woman gets bonus points for being a childhood fantasy. Make that adult fantasy, also. Seeing her next to Jessica Simpson in the Dukes of Hazzard commercials made me think we really are witnessing the fall of western civilization, brought on by MTV and Chicken of the Sea. We could use a super hero right about now...one with a couple major assets. Ahhh...you had to go there, didn't you.
4) Rebecca DeMornay: Joel's First Love
Of course I was gonna put her on the list. She's the reason for the list in the first place. From making love on a real train, to making love on a beach...I should be more bummed about the grandma thing, but I guess it was inevitable. And things could be worse. At least she's not on the Today show teaching Matt Lauer the history of psychiatry.
3) Cheryl Tiegs: Sports Illustrated Babe
When's the last time you thought about Cheryl Tiegs? Been a while right? That's why I'm here. I'll bet before we know it, Sports Illustrated has her back in a bikini, or maybe a one piece. Either way it'll be newsstand gold. Tons of horny baby boomers out there that wouldn't mind seeing that. Trust me, I know. Im in marketing.
2) Michelle Pfeiffer: Mrs. Tony Montana
Goddess..goddess...goddess. Michelle Pfieffer is the epitome of beauty and elegance. I even feel pretty sleazy just putting her on the list (Oh sure...NOW you feel sleazy) but leaving her off would've been a crime of ommission. I think my favorite flick of hers was the Fabulous Baker Boys. Think of how amazing she looked. Now look at these shots...still looks great. That's what a legend looks like. And she'd definitely be number one, if it weren't for...
1) Bo Derek: 70's Poster Girl Fantasy
Someone should check for one of those Dorian Grey portrait-thingies in her attic. Bo Derek transcends mere mortals...she's like amazonian princess-hot. Did you see her on that cable show that lasted four episodes...still flawless. How does someone do that? From poster girl extraordinnaire in the seventies to top of the GILF list today...Dudley Moore would be proud.
That's the list. Hope you enjoyed it. But before you go...
Our Honorable Mentions
Jacqueline Bissett: She made the wet t-shirt what it is today, and hasn't aged too badly in the process
Christie Brinkley: Uptown girl still has the goods. What was Billy thinking? The daughter's not bad either.
Raquel Welch: She's Raquel freaking Welch. I had to include her somewhere. I've seen the caveman bikini.
Susan Sarandon: Every time I see her, I think of the way she went all sex kitten in Witches of Eastwick.
Sharon Stone: Annoying? Oh, just a little bit. But you have to admit she's held up nicely over the years.
And we'll see them in a few short years
Kyra Sedgwick:She was on Conan recently, and I kept thinking why does Kevin Bacon have all the luck
Maria Bello: If you thought she was attractive in Coyote Ugly, check out The Cooler...outstanding
Sheryl Crow: Nothing better than a hot rocker goddess. What the hell was Lance Armstrong thinking?
Amy Sedaris: Caught you by surprise with this one, right? Funny, smart and hot. Gotta love that.
Diane Lane: And Unfaithful, Under the Tuscan Sun, Must Love Dogs...she gets hotter in every flick.
(This list has been public service, brought to you by UrbanCougar.com)
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